Four days ago, 13-time Grammy nominee Charlie Wilson was at Coachella, in the festival’s prime spot, sharing the main stage with Saturday headliner Tyler, the Creator and Tyler’s other special surprise guests, Childish Gambino, A$AP Rocky, and Kali Uchis.
By Wednesday, he was onstage at The Masked Singer’s Queen Night, dressed as the Ugly Sweater, losing to The Office actress Kate “Starfish” Flannery.
To quote Queen themselves, is this the real life, or is this just fantasy? How did the legendary Charlie Wilson — a man who’s collaborated not just with Tyler but with Snoop Dogg, Stevie Wonder, Beyoncé, Nas, Lil’ Kim, Bon Iver, Khalid, Eurythmics, Quincy Jones, and dozens of other music luminaries — get cut from Group A before at least making it to the Masked Singer Season 11 semifinals?
After this wild ‘n’ woolly wonder knitted his brow and practically turned himself inside-out Wednesday belting Queen’s “I Want to Break Free,” it was declared his “best performance so far” by judge Ken Jeong, who was "in awe of perfection" and believed Ugly Sweater was “peaking at the right moment.” The equally astounded Robin Thicke — the one judge who guessed that this cuddly creature was Charlie — had called Ugly Sweater “one of the greatest voices to grace our stage, and maybe one of the greatest voices to grace our planet.” And yet, Charlie was the first contestant to go home during this week’s double-elimination Group A finals.
I know nothing on this ridiculous show really makes sense, but… make it make sense, please.
Two weeks ago, when new and easily excitable judge Rita Ora pulled Group C’s Poodle Moth from the brink of elimination by ringing the Ding Dong Keep It On Bell, her castmate Jenny McCarthy-Wahlberg expressed concern that it might too soon to use the Bell, which can only be tolled once, for one contestant, during all three group final rounds. While Poodle Moth is a worthy contender, for sure, she’s no Charlie Friggin’ Wilson, so I do wonder if Rita now regrets her impulsiveness in that moment. It was a shame that the judges weren’t able to ring the Bell for the contestant that Rita called “one of the best vocalists of all time” this week.
After Ugly Sweater prematurely unraveled, aquatic comic the Starfish lost in a sing-off of Queen’s fittingly titled “Another One Bites the Dust” against fellow gilled singer the Goldfish. And, as Ken suspected, she was revealed to be the above-mentioned star of Ken’s favorite sitcom (besides Community, I assume), The Office. Given Kate’s decent but admittedly limited pipes, she had little chance of winning or even making it to the finale this season. But kudos to her for making it this far, for beating out Charlie Friggin’ Wilson, and for having the cojones (if starfish have cojones, that is) to take on the almighty Freddie Mercury and David Bowie this week. Kate worked well "Under Pressure," indeed. (She also apparently survived this taping without The Office’s on-set perks like copious backstage snacks and booze. )
So, Goldfish is now advancing to semifinals, joining Group C’s Poodle Moth and Clock, who I’ve already clocked as Chrissy Metz and Thelma Houston, respectively. But who is the Goldfish? Well, she’s no fish out of water; she is clearly a pro. The judges have guessed that she’s Hilary Duff, Selena Gomez, Sarah Hyland, Lea Michele, or Nina Dobrev, but Rita thinks she’s High School Musical starlet Vanessa Hudgens. And I co-sign that guess. The Goldfish’s golden-throated vocals sound just like Vanessa’s, but the clues all add up too, if you do the High School math.
Goldfish found “dating in Hollywood” to be very difficult (“Imagine trying to move on when you literally see your exes everywhere… even having your run-ins turned into TikToks,” she once sighed), and Vanessa’s famous past paramours include Zac Efron and Austin Butler. She “was a splash overnight,” but all that success made her feel like she was “living in a fishbowl,” so she “decided to dive into deeper, darker, edgier waters” — and Vanessa has starred in a few indie arthouse films since her breakout Disney Channel days. The Goldfish covered Olivia Rodrigo’s “Vampire” and one of her visual clues was a vampire bat, and Vanessa played a nocturnal bloodsucker in the film Freaks of Nature. We’ve also seen a Christmas snow globe, and Vanessa has starred in several holiday movies, like the Princess Switch trilogy (which also connects to a glass-slipper clue) and The Knight Before Christmas.
I was already leaning towards Vanessa, after initially thinking the Goldfish was Christina Perri, but one new clue this week made it obvious. Goldfish teared up Wednesday recalling how the night before she was about to play her “dream role,” she received the “worst news I could have ever imagined: I lost my No. 1 supporter.” But the show must go on, as Queen once said, so Goldfish “reached down inside and found the courage to perform… for the one seat that wasn’t filled.” Vanessa’s dad died from cancer the night before she played Rizzo in Fox's Grease Live! special, and she ended up giving the performance of her career and earning critical raves. So, there you go.
This week, the Goldfish in fact sang “The Show Must Go On,” dedicated to her father, and he must have been so proud. Only a performance this stunning could edge an icon like Charlie Wilson out of the running entirely. “For the first time this season, I’m speechless. I’m a little emotional. That was so moving,” gasped a teary Rita, while Robin added, “Some people are just born to be onstage. That was literally a how-to on how do an amazing performance.”
Next week, the show will go on as Group B — Gumball (who might be actor Scott Porter), Cleocatra (probably Jenifer Lewis), and the Beets (most definitely American Idol sweethearts Clay Aiken and Ruben Studdard) — compete for a spot in the Season 11 semifinals. And I think the Beets will be tough to beat, since they’re two masterclass vocalists who once occupied first and second place in one of the most-watched seasons of one of the most-watched singing competitions of all time. Tune in next week.
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