A remarkable video posted in June has started gathering attention, displaying a wailing toddler being mollified by a recording of Nine Inch Nails' single "Copy of A." Coincidence can't be claimed: The tot makes a face of pleasant surprise when the opening synthesizer lines come on and she begins to groove with the song, even as Trent Reznor begins to vocalize his lament to conformity.
So of course we got to thinking—Trent Reznor specializes in music full of jarring electronic feedback, bad language and general misanthropy: Who better to calm down upset infants? With that in mind, we combed through Reznor's general discography and found six examples well-suited to calming down your kids.
(DOCTOR'S NOTE: Some scientists have suggested that playing classical music while children are in the womb will have a positive impact on their development. We're not sure this is true, but just in case, don't play Nine Inch Nails to your unborn. Unless you want really bitter kids).
06) "A Warm Place" by Nine Inch Nails
This option is somewhat cheating, as "A Warm Place" intentionally served as a counterpoint for everything dark and grimy on Reznor's arguably darkest and grimiest album, The Downward Spiral. The track is almost exactly what seems normal to play to babies: strings plucked while waves of ambient electronica float gently across their little imaginations. It's as Enya as anything by Enya. We can't recommend anything else on this album for children. Adults? Heck yes, but children? No.
05) "Help Me I Am in Hell" by Nine Inch Nails
Don't worry: A) Not every item on this list will be an instrumental offering and B) this track sounds nothing like what we imagine being in hell is like. The two-minute, largely soft guitar-dominated track sounds like a preview for Reznor's later Ghosts I-IV collection. Put it on repeat...your kids won't be as suspicious of the subtle minor key movement as adult brains are programmed to be. Just tell them the song is called "Help Me."
04) "Past The Mission" by Tori Amos
Reznor has made quite a few friends in other genres despite being as discomforting as he is. One of those friends is pop icon Tori Amos, who invited the industrial idol to provide background vocals for her single "Past The Mission" off of Under The Pink in 1994. So yes, at around the same time he was recording in Charles Manson residential landmarks, he was was also recording pop ditties for his more family-friendly pals. The track features an easygoing reggae riff, airy arpeggios and yes, Reznor's sugar sweet vocals.
03) "How Long?" by How To Destroy Angels
What is it about Nine Inch Nails that suggests it might not be for children? In case you didn't catch the sarcasm in the phrase "sugar-sweet vocals" above, Reznor's voice rarely stays very melodic or tuned for long. That's why it's nice he got wife Mariqueen Maandig to sing in side project How To Destroy Angels. Many of the tracks on album Welcome Oblivion blend some heavy dissonance amid Maandig's smooth vocals, but this single is almost pure pop (almost). This is the sort of stuff the couple might play their own children.
02) "Down In It" by Nine Inch Nails
Okay, quit complaining...we're finally getting to the "real" Nine Inch Nails. Know why videos of little kids dancing to cheesy '80s classics is awesome and you dancing to cheesy '80s classics is embarrassing? Because little kids don't realize how cheesy the track is and can therefore take totally non-ironic approaches to rocking them. "Down In It" is far from cheesy—we'd even argue it's among the best Nails tracks of all time—but it does feature the most inorganic of drum beats found on any Reznor track and a synth line hailing back to the goth and post-rock that influenced Pretty Hate Machine. Plus, he sings the singalong classic "Rain, Rain Go Away" toward the end. This won't put the kids to sleep but it will get them dancing adorably.
01) "The Greater Good" by Nine Inch Nails
We don't have any babies of our own right now, but we imagine they behave much like cats. Our cats are huge fans of droning music. Play some Ravi Shankar and BOOM, nap time. Cats and (theoretically) babies also prefer whispering to normal volumes of speech, so Reznor's quiet instructions to "breathe us in slowly, slowly" works as a subconscious tool instructing children how to relax, if in a somewhat creepy manner. One thing neither cats nor babies like: feedback. Turn the stereo's bass levels down to temper the rough edges of the rhythm when playing this track.
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