WORSE THAN COAL: The Number of Birds in 'The Twelve Days of Christmas' is Downright Rude

WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BIRDS IN THE "THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS"?!??!?!?!?!?!?!

Every year, the same question comes to the minds of many as everyone starts to sing along to the iconic Christmas carol. Who is receiving THIS many birds as a gift? If you do the math, whoever the recipient of this litany of gifts is receives exactly TWENTY THREE BIRDS.

That is SIMPLY too many birds.

Listen, this is an absolutely beautiful song. It is a classic. No Christmas celebration would be complete without hearing at least one rendition of the wonderful song. It immediately elicits the wonderfully powerful spirit of Christmas.

Yet, while the song might be a dream, being the recipient of these gifts must be a NIGHTMARE. I was not aware that a Venn Diagram would find any similarities between the Christmas season and Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds, but "The Twelve Days of Christmas" sits decidedly in the center of this chart- the foul (pun intended) fear of the holiday.

For those that have been previously intrigued by the presentation of this striking array of birds, may have sought further knowledge behind the meaning of the song's words. Anyone who has done such analytical research will have found that, yes, each gift is meant to be a religious symbol, hearkening back to a specific, faith based, element.

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HOWEVER

If we are using symbolism, this is NOT really an effective use of the rhetorical device. If this were to be more effective, the gift giver should be choosing items one might actually receive as a gift OR that one might enjoy receiving as a gift. I don't care how you feel about avian creatures. If someone showed up at your house on Christmas with 23 birds, you would not be pleased.

Even OUTSIDE of the birds, the five golden rings are the ONLY inanimate object given to the person. The gift giver brought a ton of birds and a loud party.

This is downright impolite!

You don't just invite a bunch of musicians, dancers, and birds over to someone's house. Unless you are really aware that what the song's singer wants more than anything else in the world is a zoo-themed holiday bash, then maybe you should go swap out some of the birds for something else.

OR

If you really want to stick on this whole bird theme, how about some stuffed animals of birds? Drawings? Cardboard cut outs? LITERALLY just consider anything other than delivering someone 23 actual birds. Yes, this article may get a bit repetitive, but I firmly believe that the more times I point out that 23 birds is too many birds to give to a person, the more the logic will permeate the brain of the fictional gift giver, and he may change his ways.

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ON TOP OF THIS

This is not just ONE DAY of presenting someone with an onslaught of incredibly strange and off-putting gifts. It is TWELVE DAYS. Now, I suppose there are a few ways to look at this. On the one hand, getting all of these gifts on a single day would be overwhelming, BUT, AFTER THE ONE DAY IT WOULD BE OVER.

THIS IS TWELVE DAYS OF WEIRD GIFTS AND NEW BIRDS YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF!

That is almost two weeks you would have to put up with the torture of having to bird-proof your house and then suddenly host a band of dancers and revelers. That sounds like a full and complete nightmare. As the end of the second week started to draw near, I bet you would be down to your last possible hold on your sane mind.

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All In All

I'm just suggesting, no, imploring, that whosoever is out there trying to whimsically give their "true love" these twelve deranged days of Christmas, be warned: this is a form of torture. If you are the recipient of these gifts: that is not your true love. Get out of there now.

Merry Christmas :)